Wednesday, January 9, 2008

What is the point of it all?

I woke up this morning after a disturbing, tossing/turning kind of night. Ugh. Took me half the morning to wake up... I woke up somewhere in the middle of Bible study. I guess the coffee was finally beginning to kick in.

I have felt a kind of melancholy all day. As I worked out after Bible Study I thought about what I will be teaching my karate class and what I have running through my head to write. I began to get a bit discouraged. Does any of what I do matter to anyone else? Does what I teach or write make a difference to anyone at all? It really doesn't feel like it. There are sensei(s) out there who are far better than I am; better martial artists and better teachers. There are gifted writers who are much more eloquent, who touch my heart and my mind, and when I compare my writing to theirs I feel totally inadequate. There are mothers who do so much better than I have done at raising my kids, homeschoolers who have achieved so much more than I ever will. Homemakers who have managed a fairly clean house, who manage to feed their family most nights rather than send them scrounging for supper. These are the thoughts and feelings that have hounded me today.

But as I worked out God began to speak to me; that happens a lot, and I consider it one of the best benefits of my martial arts training. Today God pointed out that my thoughts were... well, were nothing more than pride. Pride with a touch of self-pity thrown in. hmm. A bit humbling to think about. Basically God asked me if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, what He asked me to do. Well, yes. I know I am supposed to train in the martial arts, I know I am supposed to teach. I know I am supposed to be a wife and mother and homeschool mom. I know I am supposed to write what He teaches me, to put it out here to be read by whoever.

So what am I whining about? Lack of recognition? Lack of appreciation? Lack of ability? He gave me whatever ability I have. And the rest, the recognition and appreciation, are what I must give back to Him. It's not about me. It's about Christ and obeying Him and pointing people to Him and focusing on Him.

It's not about me. Father, forgive my pride.
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